My Thoughts Won't Let Me Sleep

I've tried blogging before. There just aren't words articulate enough to describe daily life. Or maybe I just don't understand how I feel to begin with. It's hard to express through words what you can't even begin to unravel in your mind.

But, my thoughts weren't going to let me sleep, so I decided to pick this back up again.

I've tried. I still try despite knowing what the outcome will inevitably be. The fact of the matter is, is that the other home, BM's home, will still be an obstacle to work around. Well, maybe not technically her 'home', but she is an obstacle to have to work around. It feels as though I have to share my life with her. Sharing my life with my husband's former lover. Now that's a brilliant idea! Who thought of that, and where were they at when the Judge hammered down his gavel during my DH's and BM's divorce? Because that person's head should've been hit with it instead!

So here I am, managing school schedules, baseball schedules, softball schedules, dance schedules, doctor's appointments, homework, showers, dinner, medical bills, child support payments, money for this, money for that, phone calls....lots and lots and lots of phone calls.

Did I mention I have kids of my own? But it always feels as though my life and the lives of my kids are scheduled around BM and her plans for my stepchildren.

And I do all of this, all the while I sit here behind a computer and type out how I really feel, without ever giving my stepchildren the impression that I struggle with their Mother and her ideas of how to run things.

You say I'm evil because I don't happily carry out these things without any complaints?? I'm not evil. There's no amount of evil strong enough to take this role.  How could an evil person carry on loving, forgiving, accepting, sacrificing and compromising despite all of the hardships and struggles? Not that a good person doesn't give up after a while, but I don't believe an evil person has an ounce in them to even get started like most of us do.

We start out with the best of intentions. We want a family. We want to feel loved, secure, safe, accepted, and protected in our family. We get none of that. But, we don't stop trying for it. And eventually, we end up here, hurt, angry, bitter, resentful, sad and lost. With no understanding, except from each other.

Welcome to my life, where we are also in the middle of a custody battle. There will be more to come with that, but for now, it's been time for bed an hour ago.

Xoxo