I finally felt my Husband's pain tonight as he said to me, "I feel like she's already won." My heart literally feels as though it's breaking; for him, for the kids, and for our family. My husband has always been a devoted Father and Husband to his first wife. He was married for several years when he found out she was having an affair. She divorced my Husband, and he was left to pick up the pieces of his life and start completely over.......but left to start over without his kids in his life on a daily basis. Not only was his marriage ripped away, but so were his kids.
I remember him telling me how awful it felt to not have his kids there at night to tuck them into bed. The sadness in his voice, I'll never forget. But, when he did have his weekly and weekend visits with his children, he was committed to being with them. He was definitely no sofa parent. He was involved. I immediately fell in love.
So now that his life is put back together and he's able to provide for his children as their Mother does, it would make sense for the both of them to have equal access to the children right? I mean, he was good enough to be an equal parent while they were married, so he should be good enough to be an equal parent while they are divorced, right? Wrong. He now has to fight for his rights as a Father. A right that he had while he was married, but somehow has lost because he's divorced? How does this make any sense? Where is the best interest of the kids in that?
It's not only family law we are up against, who by the way doesn't believe that just because you are a child's Father means you have any rights to them, just obligations, but we're also up against the children themselves. It's called PAS. Parental Alienation Syndrome.
It's masked pretty well, so well in fact, that sometimes you even question what's PAS and what's not. I can't quite point out specific details, well, except for a few. There's just something different. A few months ago these children were different. They were happy, they wanted to be here, they wanted to spend more time here, they enjoyed it here. Now, after this whole court process began, they barely seem interested in being here at all. It's heart breaking to see the change and to know what's happening, but you're unable to prove it. You feel hopeless, lost, and empty.
I told my Husband this evening that the children have an obligation to their family. To spend time with their family and to be together as a family at times. The sweet, caring, Daddy's little girl that could not detach herself from his side, is now detached and distant. I don't recognize this little girl anymore, and I don't think her Father does either.
He walked away from me and said, "I feel like she's already won." BM that is. He may be right. I don't know if he has enough fight left in him. I just want to shake the family law system and yell, "Look at what you are doing to these kids by not holding these BM's accountable for their actions!!!!" You are destroying more lives than you are helping! Would it do any good? Probably not. The whole system revolves around politics, and who is scratching who's back. And what better way to keep the funds and the kickbacks coming in than to continue being pro BM.
I'm not done with the fight. The fight may come to an end with my Husband with his children, and he may very well lose his fight for his children, but I will continue to fight for every Father out there that just wants extra time with their kids. There are so many deadbeat Dad's out there, a Father who WANTS to be in their child's life, should NOT have to fight for it.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Kids = BM Possessions
Let me start by saying that I'm a BM and by no means am I saying that all BM's are like this. But, for the purpose of venting, I'm not going to stop and clarify which BM's I'm referring to.
Why do BM's feel that their children are THEIR possessions? Why do they feel that their "opinions" regarding their children aren't "opinions", but "facts"? Why do BM's feel that they make all of the decisions for the kids, and if you don't agree with them, then you are WRONG? They are ALWAYS right.
They are the ONLY parent that matters. They are the ONLY parent that can truly take care of the kids. And the BD's are just sperm donors who aren't worth anything but a paycheck.
It comes down to one simple thing. BM's own the children. They are BM's property. Therefore, they can do as they please with their property. If BM behaves poorly in front of the kids, it's because YOU made her behave that way, and it's YOUR fault. If you defend yourself, then YOU are the bad guy for raising your voice, even though she just screamed expletives at you, and you are unfit to be around the children.
Ever heard that saying "If I break what's mine, it's ok, but if you break what's mine, I'll be pissed?" BM applies this to "her" children.
What is it going to take to make these women realize these children are not HER property? That these children are their own beings, and BOTH of their parents have the right to make decisions for their best interest. And just because one parent disagrees with the other, doesn't automatically mean they are right!
Vent. Over.
Why do BM's feel that their children are THEIR possessions? Why do they feel that their "opinions" regarding their children aren't "opinions", but "facts"? Why do BM's feel that they make all of the decisions for the kids, and if you don't agree with them, then you are WRONG? They are ALWAYS right.
They are the ONLY parent that matters. They are the ONLY parent that can truly take care of the kids. And the BD's are just sperm donors who aren't worth anything but a paycheck.
It comes down to one simple thing. BM's own the children. They are BM's property. Therefore, they can do as they please with their property. If BM behaves poorly in front of the kids, it's because YOU made her behave that way, and it's YOUR fault. If you defend yourself, then YOU are the bad guy for raising your voice, even though she just screamed expletives at you, and you are unfit to be around the children.
Ever heard that saying "If I break what's mine, it's ok, but if you break what's mine, I'll be pissed?" BM applies this to "her" children.
What is it going to take to make these women realize these children are not HER property? That these children are their own beings, and BOTH of their parents have the right to make decisions for their best interest. And just because one parent disagrees with the other, doesn't automatically mean they are right!
Vent. Over.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Top 10 Things I'd Like To Say To BM:
I sent this as a private message to Step Parents Against Alienation. I felt it was too good not to post as a blog, so here it is.
Top 10 things I'd like to say to BM:
1. Everything isn't about YOU. Our decisions, our discussions, and our opinions ...
Top 10 things I'd like to say to BM:
1. Everything isn't about YOU. Our decisions, our discussions, and our opinions ...
are based on the best interest of OUR family, which includes every family member living in our household. It's not an attack against you.
2. When you ask if we've fed the kids, I can't help but think you're being a jerk, because it really is a ridiculous question. If this is truly a concern of yours, why would you allow your children into the care of someone who starves them?
3. Our ideas on how to raise the children may be different from yours, but that doesn't automatically mean that you are right, and we are wrong.
4. Please keep your condescending remarks to yourself. They serve no purpose other than to attack us.
5. Just because you don't blatantly bash us to the children, doesn't mean "bashing" isn't happening. Children are smart. They know exactly what you are implying when you make remarks such as, "I can't buy xyz unless Dad pays for half."
6. We are not second class citizens to the children. Our family and our home is just as important for them to be a part of as yours.
7. The children are not your posessions to use. Using them to control us is not in their best interest.
8. Fathers are just as important in child rearing as Mothers are. Just google the many articles that research backs up.
9. You chose my husband to have children with, so therefore, there must have been qualities in him that you thought would make him a good father. You also chose to divorce him, so on some level you had to know that you would lose part of your control and decision making. You had to realize that he would no longer be an extension of you, and would begin to make decisions based on HIS best interests.....not yours.
10. Your Ex is a man. They are simple creatures, and don't get wrapped up in emotions and/or have to have these deep discussions about the children. He didn't answer his phone 24/7 when you were married to him, he didn't "communicate" to your standards when you were married to him, and he was a little more lax on certain issues that you felt strongly amount when you were married to him. You thought this would change and get better once you divorced?
2. When you ask if we've fed the kids, I can't help but think you're being a jerk, because it really is a ridiculous question. If this is truly a concern of yours, why would you allow your children into the care of someone who starves them?
3. Our ideas on how to raise the children may be different from yours, but that doesn't automatically mean that you are right, and we are wrong.
4. Please keep your condescending remarks to yourself. They serve no purpose other than to attack us.
5. Just because you don't blatantly bash us to the children, doesn't mean "bashing" isn't happening. Children are smart. They know exactly what you are implying when you make remarks such as, "I can't buy xyz unless Dad pays for half."
6. We are not second class citizens to the children. Our family and our home is just as important for them to be a part of as yours.
7. The children are not your posessions to use. Using them to control us is not in their best interest.
8. Fathers are just as important in child rearing as Mothers are. Just google the many articles that research backs up.
9. You chose my husband to have children with, so therefore, there must have been qualities in him that you thought would make him a good father. You also chose to divorce him, so on some level you had to know that you would lose part of your control and decision making. You had to realize that he would no longer be an extension of you, and would begin to make decisions based on HIS best interests.....not yours.
10. Your Ex is a man. They are simple creatures, and don't get wrapped up in emotions and/or have to have these deep discussions about the children. He didn't answer his phone 24/7 when you were married to him, he didn't "communicate" to your standards when you were married to him, and he was a little more lax on certain issues that you felt strongly amount when you were married to him. You thought this would change and get better once you divorced?
Let Me Help You Understand
You can kick and scream and pitch a fit all you want BM because we don't view things YOUR way , but we have a few "views" of our own honey.
Let me help you understand them.
1. You, meaning (you, SD, SS, and DH) are no longer a family unit any longer. That family unit was disconnected the day you filed for divorce. "OUR" family unit now consists of DH, me, SS, and SD..."YOUR" family unit consists of you, your husband, SS, SD, and your baby. So no, you do NOT have TWO families, you have ONE.
2. We don't agree that using children as manipulation tactics is the appropriate way to handle situations when we don't get what we want. Instead, we use "acceptance" and "understanding"......ya think you can try that sometime?? Yeah, you're right..probably not.
3. We don't "choose" one person over the other in our home. There are times where someone may not get the same attention as another, times where decisions have to be made on who will be at certain places/events for one, and who will be there for the other. This by NO means, means we "favor" or "choose" one person over the other in our home. We LOVE and VALUE each and every person in our home. I understand you have a corrupt perception due to your "entitlement" issues that you are now passing down to your daughter. Way to go "MOM", I'm sure this will teach the children respect, humility, understanding, and empathy. Two thumbs up!
4. We, as the adults, caretakers, and decision makers in OUR home, will always discuss things between one another, ESPECIALLY when there is a request made by you and it will usually result in us conversating and making decisions between one another FIRST, and THEN delivering the decision to you. You will always take a backseat in OUR marriage and in OUR home. Get over it.
5. I AM important, and there are times where I **WILL** come first, just like there are times where the skids will come first - it's all dependant upon the circumstances of the situation...sucks for you doesn't it? LOL
You by no means have to 'share' these views - but remember, we don't have to share YOUR views EITHER!
Let me help you understand them.
1. You, meaning (you, SD, SS, and DH) are no longer a family unit any longer. That family unit was disconnected the day you filed for divorce. "OUR" family unit now consists of DH, me, SS, and SD..."YOUR" family unit consists of you, your husband, SS, SD, and your baby. So no, you do NOT have TWO families, you have ONE.
2. We don't agree that using children as manipulation tactics is the appropriate way to handle situations when we don't get what we want. Instead, we use "acceptance" and "understanding"......ya think you can try that sometime?? Yeah, you're right..probably not.
3. We don't "choose" one person over the other in our home. There are times where someone may not get the same attention as another, times where decisions have to be made on who will be at certain places/events for one, and who will be there for the other. This by NO means, means we "favor" or "choose" one person over the other in our home. We LOVE and VALUE each and every person in our home. I understand you have a corrupt perception due to your "entitlement" issues that you are now passing down to your daughter. Way to go "MOM", I'm sure this will teach the children respect, humility, understanding, and empathy. Two thumbs up!
4. We, as the adults, caretakers, and decision makers in OUR home, will always discuss things between one another, ESPECIALLY when there is a request made by you and it will usually result in us conversating and making decisions between one another FIRST, and THEN delivering the decision to you. You will always take a backseat in OUR marriage and in OUR home. Get over it.
5. I AM important, and there are times where I **WILL** come first, just like there are times where the skids will come first - it's all dependant upon the circumstances of the situation...sucks for you doesn't it? LOL
You by no means have to 'share' these views - but remember, we don't have to share YOUR views EITHER!
May The Truth Be Revealed
I'm exhausted. I didn't even make it into work today. I slept instead. I can't even begin to explain how mentally exhausting dealing with BM is. To add to it, I'm listed as the executor for my Father's estate, and my sister is giving me an extremely hard time about every.single.thing involved. Why do I get stuck with all the bitches?
My busy afternoon will start in about 30 minutes. DH and I will have to run this kid here, that kid there, have them do their homework, study and read, eat, take showers, all in about 2 hours. I'm fucking super woman, because who else can get four kids to do all of this in a matter of a couple of hours?
I'm tired of taking all of the responsibility and not receiving any of the credit. It's not just me, it's my DH as well. DH and I are BM's servants. We live, eat, and breathe to serve the master BM. If we get out of line, or don't do as we're told, we are punished by getting stones thrown at us. If we request more time during the week to get all of the kids tasks accomplished, we are lashed. The whelps you see across our backs are each allegation BM has made about how horrible we are and why we are undeserving of having DH's children overnight during the week.
The children can't function out of our home. Her home is the only real home. She is the only real parent. We are second class citizens whose only role in life is to serve her needs. If we dare to look out for our home's best interest, be prepared to suffer the ultimate consequence......the love and affection from the children will be taken away by her.
She will manipulate and lie. She will make false allegations and use any opportunity to tell you how shitty of a parent you are. But don't question her. No. There will be hell to pay if you make that mistake.
Luckily, our homes will be investigated. May the truth be revealed.
My busy afternoon will start in about 30 minutes. DH and I will have to run this kid here, that kid there, have them do their homework, study and read, eat, take showers, all in about 2 hours. I'm fucking super woman, because who else can get four kids to do all of this in a matter of a couple of hours?
I'm tired of taking all of the responsibility and not receiving any of the credit. It's not just me, it's my DH as well. DH and I are BM's servants. We live, eat, and breathe to serve the master BM. If we get out of line, or don't do as we're told, we are punished by getting stones thrown at us. If we request more time during the week to get all of the kids tasks accomplished, we are lashed. The whelps you see across our backs are each allegation BM has made about how horrible we are and why we are undeserving of having DH's children overnight during the week.
The children can't function out of our home. Her home is the only real home. She is the only real parent. We are second class citizens whose only role in life is to serve her needs. If we dare to look out for our home's best interest, be prepared to suffer the ultimate consequence......the love and affection from the children will be taken away by her.
She will manipulate and lie. She will make false allegations and use any opportunity to tell you how shitty of a parent you are. But don't question her. No. There will be hell to pay if you make that mistake.
Luckily, our homes will be investigated. May the truth be revealed.
My Thoughts Won't Let Me Sleep
I've tried blogging before. There just aren't words articulate enough to describe daily life. Or maybe I just don't understand how I feel to begin with. It's hard to express through words what you can't even begin to unravel in your mind.
But, my thoughts weren't going to let me sleep, so I decided to pick this back up again.
I've tried. I still try despite knowing what the outcome will inevitably be. The fact of the matter is, is that the other home, BM's home, will still be an obstacle to work around. Well, maybe not technically her 'home', but she is an obstacle to have to work around. It feels as though I have to share my life with her. Sharing my life with my husband's former lover. Now that's a brilliant idea! Who thought of that, and where were they at when the Judge hammered down his gavel during my DH's and BM's divorce? Because that person's head should've been hit with it instead!
So here I am, managing school schedules, baseball schedules, softball schedules, dance schedules, doctor's appointments, homework, showers, dinner, medical bills, child support payments, money for this, money for that, phone calls....lots and lots and lots of phone calls.
Did I mention I have kids of my own? But it always feels as though my life and the lives of my kids are scheduled around BM and her plans for my stepchildren.
And I do all of this, all the while I sit here behind a computer and type out how I really feel, without ever giving my stepchildren the impression that I struggle with their Mother and her ideas of how to run things.
You say I'm evil because I don't happily carry out these things without any complaints?? I'm not evil. There's no amount of evil strong enough to take this role. How could an evil person carry on loving, forgiving, accepting, sacrificing and compromising despite all of the hardships and struggles? Not that a good person doesn't give up after a while, but I don't believe an evil person has an ounce in them to even get started like most of us do.
We start out with the best of intentions. We want a family. We want to feel loved, secure, safe, accepted, and protected in our family. We get none of that. But, we don't stop trying for it. And eventually, we end up here, hurt, angry, bitter, resentful, sad and lost. With no understanding, except from each other.
Welcome to my life, where we are also in the middle of a custody battle. There will be more to come with that, but for now, it's been time for bed an hour ago.
Xoxo
But, my thoughts weren't going to let me sleep, so I decided to pick this back up again.
I've tried. I still try despite knowing what the outcome will inevitably be. The fact of the matter is, is that the other home, BM's home, will still be an obstacle to work around. Well, maybe not technically her 'home', but she is an obstacle to have to work around. It feels as though I have to share my life with her. Sharing my life with my husband's former lover. Now that's a brilliant idea! Who thought of that, and where were they at when the Judge hammered down his gavel during my DH's and BM's divorce? Because that person's head should've been hit with it instead!
So here I am, managing school schedules, baseball schedules, softball schedules, dance schedules, doctor's appointments, homework, showers, dinner, medical bills, child support payments, money for this, money for that, phone calls....lots and lots and lots of phone calls.
Did I mention I have kids of my own? But it always feels as though my life and the lives of my kids are scheduled around BM and her plans for my stepchildren.
And I do all of this, all the while I sit here behind a computer and type out how I really feel, without ever giving my stepchildren the impression that I struggle with their Mother and her ideas of how to run things.
You say I'm evil because I don't happily carry out these things without any complaints?? I'm not evil. There's no amount of evil strong enough to take this role. How could an evil person carry on loving, forgiving, accepting, sacrificing and compromising despite all of the hardships and struggles? Not that a good person doesn't give up after a while, but I don't believe an evil person has an ounce in them to even get started like most of us do.
We start out with the best of intentions. We want a family. We want to feel loved, secure, safe, accepted, and protected in our family. We get none of that. But, we don't stop trying for it. And eventually, we end up here, hurt, angry, bitter, resentful, sad and lost. With no understanding, except from each other.
Welcome to my life, where we are also in the middle of a custody battle. There will be more to come with that, but for now, it's been time for bed an hour ago.
Xoxo
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